What is Narcissism

Oliver always loved being the center of attention. He would captivate guests and acquaintances with exaggerated stories of his accomplishments, rarely allowing others to speak. When his friend Mia shared her own success at work, Oliver dismissed it, claiming it was insignificant compared to his achievements. He seldom acknowledged others’ feelings and often took credit for group efforts. When faced with any criticism, even gentle feedback, he became defensive and blamed others for any shortcomings. It was never his fault, because after all, everyone was stupid, he was the smartest out of all of them. 

Narcissism is characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, a lack of empathy for others, and intense well of shame. There is a difference between narcissism (narcissistic personality disorder – NPD) and exhibiting narcissistic personality traits, which most people exhibit to some degree throughout their lives.

What is Narcissism?

Based on the DSM-5 (2013), narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is an extreme pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, lack of empathy, and deep self shame that begins by early adulthood. To be diagnosed with narcissism, a person must meet at least 5 of the following 9 criteria:

1. Grandiose Sense of Self-Importance
   Alex boasted that without his genius ideas, the company would surely fail, believing he was the backbone of the entire operation.
2. Preoccupation with Fantasies of Unlimited Success, Power, Brilliance, Beauty, or Ideal Love
   Sophia often daydreamed about being a global icon, imagining herself accepting awards and receiving adoration from millions.
3. Believes They Are “Special” and Unique and Can Only Be Understood by, or Should Associate With, Other Special or High-Status People
   Ethan refused to attend local networking events, insisting he would only mingle with top executives and influential celebrities.
4. Requires Excessive Admiration
   Whenever Mia entered a room, she expected everyone to compliment her outfit and became irritated if they didn’t acknowledge her new shoes.
5. Has a Sense of Entitlement
   Jacob was indignant when the restaurant didn’t have a table available immediately, asserting that someone of his status shouldn’t have to wait.
6. Is Interpersonally Exploitative
   Lily befriended her neighbor solely to gain access to his pool during the summer, ignoring him once the season ended.
7. Lacks Empathy
   When Tom’s colleague mentioned her father’s passing, he brushed it off and began talking about his weekend plans without offering condolences.
8. Is Often Envious of Others or Believes Others Are Envious of Them
   After seeing her friend’s new car, Emma sneered and claimed it wasn’t that impressive, convinced that everyone secretly wished for her lifestyle instead.
9. Shows Arrogant, Haughty Behaviors or Attitudes
   During the team meeting, Noah rolled his eyes at others’ suggestions, making it clear he believed only his ideas were worthwhile.

In essence, narcissism protects the person from overwhelming emotions like shame, fear, or helplessness (more on narcissism as a defense mechanism later on). Because they are unable to process or regulate these emotions, the narcissist must adhere to a rigid self-image to maintain a sense of identity and coherence to precent fragmentation of the self. This side-stepping allows the person to not confront painful memories or feelings associated with the past trauma and/or neglect.

The 2 Types of Narcissism

Though narcissism can manifest in different ways, there are 2 primary types:

1. Grandiose narcissism, where individuals are overtly arrogant, dominant, and have a sense of superiority; they are often assertive, seek attention, and may appear confident and charismatic.
2. Covert narcissism, where individuals may appear shy or modest, but harbor internal feelings of entitlement and self-importance, are sensitive to criticism, and often struggle with anxiety or depression.

How do narcissts act?

Individuals with narcissistic traits or NPD may display a range of behaviors, including:

• Manipulation and Exploitation: Using others to achieve personal goals without regard for their feelings or well-being.
• Lack of Empathy: Difficulty recognizing or caring about others’ emotions.
• Sense of Entitlement: Expecting special treatment or compliance from others.
• Difficulty with Criticism: Reacting with anger or humiliation when faced with perceived slights.
• Interpersonal Conflicts: Struggling to maintain healthy relationships due to self-centered behaviors.

These behaviors often serve as defenses to protect a fragile self-esteem and deep-seated insecurities.

Impact on Relationships

Narcissism can significantly affect relationships with partners, family members, friends, and colleagues.

• Partners may feel undervalued, manipulated, or emotionally drained. The lack of empathy and constant need for admiration can create imbalances and tension.
• Family members may experience neglect or favoritism, leading to long-term emotional challenges.
• Colleagues may find it difficult to collaborate with individuals exhibiting narcissistic traits due to competitiveness or lack of teamwork.

Is Narcissism a defense mechanism?

Defense mechanisms are unconscious psychological strategies employed to protect oneself from anxiety, shame, or other uncomfortable emotions in attempts to reduce distress arising from internal conflicts of external stressors, especially to protect the individual from feelings of inadequacy and low self-worth.

1. Fragile Self-Esteem: At the core of narcissism often lies a fragile self-esteem. Despite outward appearances of confidence, individuals may harbor deep feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness. The grandiose self-image serves as a protective barrier against these painful feelings.
2. Grandiosity as a Shield: Exaggerated beliefs in one’s own importance and abilities can be a way to counteract inner doubts. By convincing themselves and others of their superiority, narcissistic individuals attempt to ward off feelings of inferiority.
3. Denial of Vulnerability: Acknowledging weaknesses or failures can be intolerable for someone relying on narcissistic defenses. Denying vulnerabilities helps maintain the illusion of invulnerability, which is essential for their self-protection.
4. Projection of Flaws onto Others: By attributing their own undesirable traits or feelings to others, narcissistic individuals avoid confronting aspects of themselves they find unacceptable. This projection safeguards their self-image.
5. Need for Control: Exercising control over others and situations reduces uncertainty and potential threats to their self-esteem. It also reinforces their sense of superiority and dominance.

From a psychodynamic viewpoint, narcissism is seen as a result of developmental issues during early childhood. When a child’s emotional needs are not adequately met—such as receiving unconditional love, validation, and empathy—they may develop narcissistic defenses to cope with feelings of abandonment or neglect.

• Object Relations Theory as described by Gelber (200) suggests that difficulties in forming secure attachments with caregivers lead to distorted self-image and relationships with others. The narcissistic individual may develop a grandiose self as a substitute for genuine self-worth.
• Kohut’s Self Psychology  was proposed by psychoanalyst Heinz Kohut that narcissism arises from unmet developmental needs (McLean, 2007). When children do not receive appropriate mirroring (validation) from caregivers, they may create an idealized self to fill that void.

Can a narcissist change?

This is a very complex and nuanced answer. Narcissistic traits exist on a spectrum, ranging from occasional self-centered behavior to full NPD. These traits and behaviors often develop over many years, making the narcissist resistant to (quick) change, as admitting faults of acknowledging needs can feel threatening and can even cause a narcissistic injury.

Therefore, the answer is: it is entirely dependent on the narcissist.

References:

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.). American Psychiatric Publishing.

Gelber A. H. (2000). Object Relations Psychotherapy: An Individualized and Interactive Approach to Diagnosis and Treatment. The Journal of Psychotherapy Practice and Research, 9(1), 63–64. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3330572/