The Silent Treatment

After a minor disagreement about household chores, Rich felt frustrated with his roommate, Alex. Instead of discussing his feelings, Rich decided to give Alex the silent treatment. For several days, he avoided eye contact, gave only one-word answers, and stayed locked in his room. Alex, confused and hurt, didn’t understand what he’d done wrong and began to feel anxious about their friendship. The apartment grew tense, and everyday interactions became uncomfortable.

The silent treatment is a form of passive-aggressive nonverbal communication (and can also be considered abuse) where a person deliberately ignores or withdraws from another person to express displeasure, disapproval, or to exert control, and can exist from brief periods of ignoring to prolonged episodes (ie: years) of complete communication shutdown. This can include not speaking, avoiding eye contact, and disregarding attempts at interaction, withdrawing affection, attention, intimacy, or support as a form of punishment or expression of hurt

Why would someone employ the silent treatment?

Agarwal and Prakash (2022) described the silent treatment as a coping mechanism to manage overwhelming emotions such as anger, frustration or hurt, to possibly prevent escalation. This is especially useful when people find it challenging to articulate their feelings verbally. However, where it becomes abuse and passive-aggressive behavior is when the person being silence hopes the other person will recognize and address the issue, especially without explicit communication.

For example, it is perfectly acceptable to say, “I am feeling hurt and I don’t know how to process this right now, so I am going quiet to figure out and manage these emotions I’m having. Please give me [insert amount of time] of quiet so I can process this and we can continue the conversation after.” Explaining the hurt, the action needed to take to return to equilibrium and a time limit all present with an effective understanding and need to process emotions. This is not punishment.

It is not ok to simply go quiet and ignore your partner.

Withholding communication can create a power imbalance, and can be employed to exert control, influence, or to punish the other person. It is a form of ostracization, and in ancient and even medieval times, ostracization from the group meant certain death.

Recognizing the Silent Treatment

During conflict situations, an individual will withdraw from the interaction, shut down, and close themselves off from their partner, making the conflict very difficult to resolve (Gottman, 1994).  A person can withdraw physically by leaving a room, building or location; emotionally, by becoming less responsive, appearing indifferent; or mentally, by zoning out, daydreaming, or focusing attention elsewhere while still remaining physically present.

Healthy versus Unhealthy Withdrawal

• Healthy withdrawal is intentional and temporary to manage emotions, is communicated clearly, and intended to facilitate better outcomes by allowing space to think.
• Unhealthy withdrawal is regularly escaping from situations instead of addressing underlying issues, using silence as a means to punish or manipulate others, not explaining one’s need for space and is not communicated clearly. This withdrawal may last for hours, days, or even years (see: narcissistic injury / wound).

Effects of the silent treatment on mental health

The silent treatment can lead to various mental health challenges, including:

• Uncertainty about the relationship’s status, which can cause significant distress.
• Persistent feelings of rejection and isolation may contribute to depressive symptoms.
• Questioning one’s worth or blaming oneself for the other person’s silence.
•  In cases of prolonged or repeated silent treatment, emotional trauma may develop.

Effects of the silent treatment on the relationship

If done correctly, silence can bring about conflict de-escalation due to the temporary stepping away from the conflict, which can prevent further intensity. This allows time to process feelings, emotionally regulate, and respond thoughtfully as well an opportunity to recharge and protect one’s mental health.

However, as is in many cases, the silence treatment can lead to feelings of neglect, abandonment, or even resentment as important problems may remain unresolved if withdrawal is used to avoid addressing them.

Silent treatment can predict divorce

Gottman (1994) and colleagues (2008, 2000, 1999, 1994) proposed the “4 horsemen of apocalypse”, a negative pattern of behavior that could predict divorce or the end of any relationship: criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling (similar to silent treatment). Rather than saying that they are upset with their partner, Wright and Roloff (2015) reported that individuals often use the silent treatment instead, expecting their partners to “read their mind and understand them without saying it”. In other words, you should just know why your partner is upset.

Withdrawing from a situation is a common response that can serve as a thoughtful, effective communication strategy to navigate a challenging situation, manage emotions, reduce stress, and prevent conflict from escalating if done correctly. However, it can be also used incorrectly as a weapon to punish the other person or persons in attempts to ostracize, exert control, or manipulate into desired behavior. Do not use withdrawal as a means of avoiding important issues that need to be addressed.

References