Remembered Anger is Unprocessed Anger

“Wrongs are not forgotten because they are not processed,” Gary Chapman, Anger: Taming a Powerful Emotion.

Remembered anger is a wound that has not healed. It remains unresolved within the body and mind, subconsciously controlling us. When we recall anger from past events, regardless of how long it has been, the recollection suggests that the emotion was not fully expressed, understood, and even released at the time of the event. Instead, it lingers at the surface or right behind the curtains, reminding you that something remains unsettled.

Anger does not simply disappear. Anger arises from an unmet need, boundary violation, or a perceived injustice that was not addressed. When that happens, the mind continues to hold onto that injustice, and the cycle repeats itself through other people and circumstances until resolution or clarity is completed.  When it is not expressed healthily, through communication, reflection, or physical activity, it “stores” itself in the body and mind, manifesting as physical tension, chronic stress, or fatigue (van der Kolk, 2014). Say you recall an argument with a friend from years ago, and the anger feels as raw as it did when the argument happened.  In this case, the emotion was never fully expressed, leaving unresolved tension that still affects you today.

Unprocessed anger often becomes embedded in our emotional memory, making it easier to trigger in future situations. LeDoux’s (2000) neuroscience research highlights that the brain stores emotional memories, making past anger feel alive when triggered. A minor argument with a partner triggers feelings of anger “remembered” from unresolved conflicts in previous relationships, that you instead take out on your partner rather than sitting with the uncomfortable emotions of your past. Many people avoid processing anger because it feels uncomfortable, unsafe, or inappropriate.

Avoiding anger does not resolve it – it pushes it into the subconscious where it controls our actions. Unprocessed anger is tied often to an internal narrative where you replay the event and reinforce the emotion each time. The mind holds unto the “story” as a way to make sense of the pain to justify the emotion – sometimes, we just want to hold unto to it because it is the only connection we have left to the person who triggered the response. This mental replay can prevent healing, keep the anger alive, and perpetuates the cycle over and over – sounds like samsara, the never-ending cycle of suffering and rebirth, doesn’t it?

How to Begin Processing Remembered Anger

1. Acknowledge It: Recognize and name the anger without judgment. Remind yourself that it’s a valid emotion tied to something important.
2. Explore Its Roots: Ask yourself what caused the anger and why it still lingers. What boundary, need, or value was violated?
3. Feel It Safely: Express the anger in healthy ways—journal about it, talk to a trusted person, or release physical tension through exercise.
4. Grieve it: Challenge the narrative around the anger. Can you forgive, find closure, or let go of what you cannot control?
5. Practice Self-Compassion: Recognize that holding onto unprocessed anger doesn’t protect you—it keeps you stuck. Offer yourself kindness as you work through it.

Anger is an uncomfortable emotion we were not taught respectfully or compassionately. Processing anger allows you to release the grip anger has on you, allowing space for peace, understanding and growth. Released, it stops controlling you or bringing in situations in your life to help you release it.

It hurts to let go, but it hurts more to keep holding on also.

References

1. Gross, J. J., & John, O. P. (2003). Individual differences in two emotion regulation processes. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 85(2), 348–362.
2. LeDoux, J. E. (2000). Emotion circuits in the brain. Annual Review of Neuroscience, 23, 155–184.
3. van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Penguin Books.
4. Berking, M., Wupperman, P., Reichardt, A., Pejic, T., Dippel, A., & Znoj, H. (2010). Emotion regulation skills as a treatment target in psychotherapy. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 48(6), 487–495.