After delivering what he believed was an outstanding project proposal, Daniel awaited for the rewards and positive response he felt he deserved. Instead, his boss pointed out a few areas that needed improvement. Feeling shocked and humiliated, Daniel’s mood shifted instantly – you could feel the coldness in the room, as if all the joy had been sucked out of it. How could anyone criticize his work when he was clearly the most talented member of the team? That evening, David angrily told his husband that David’s boss was incompetent and didn’t appreciate true genius, slamming cupboards and doors as he was yelling from room to room.
Daniel’s intense reaction to the feedback was a narcissistic injury—his ego was wounded, leading to feelings of shame and a violent retaliatory response due to his inability to cope with his emotions. A narcissistic injury, also known as a narcissistic wound, occurs when a narcissist or a person with narcissistic tendencies believes there is a threat to their self-esteem or self-worth through criticism, humiliation, or defeat as it challenged the narcissist’s self-image.
How does the wound feel for the narcissist?
Experiencing a narcissistic injury is similar to how a non-narcissistic person feels emotional injury, but amplified due to the lack of emotional regulation on the narcissist’s part as they can experience significant psychological distress related to interpersonal conflict and functional impairment (Kacel et al., 2017). The narcissist may feel:
- Extreme sense of shame, inadequacy, and unworthiness
- Intense embarrassment, humiliation, or feeling exposed
- Powerful rage and anger that may be directed inward or outward toward loved one’s
- Fear of losing control and being perceived as flawed
- Severe anxiety
- Prolonged sadness and depression stemming from a wounded ego.
These emotions are overwhelming because they strike at the core of the narcissist’s false identity, which is built on a fragile sense of superiority (a defense mechanism).
Typical responses from the narcissist
When inflicted a narcissistic injury, the narcissist often
- Goes into a narcissistic rage, which is sudden, intense anger aimed at the source of the perceived insult, person or otherwise. You can tell they are in a rage, as the narcissist’s eyes literally look black. The rage can include aggression, verbal outbursts, threats, intimidation, or attempts to belittle others.
- Retreating and withdrawing socially, giving the “silent treatment” or removing themselves from situations to protect themselves and their ego
- Refusing to acknowledge the injury (denial) and projecting their own flaws unto others
- Excessively seeking praise, validation, or reassurance to restore their self image
- Retaliating or engaging in vindictive behaviors to “even the score” with the perceived offender
As Kahut (1972) pointed out, “Narcissistic rage occurs in many forms; they all share, however, a specific psychological flavor which gives them a distinct position within the wide realm of human aggressions. The need for revenge, for righting a wrong, for undoing a hurt by whatever means, and a deeply anchored, unrelenting compulsion in the pursuit of all these aims which gives no rest to those who have suffered a narcissistic injury in all its’ forms and which set it apart from other kinds of aggression.”
He (1972) goes on to say, ” Our defensive activity is primarily motivated by our shame concerning a defect in the realm of the omnipotent and omniscient grandiose self, not by guilt over the unconscious forbidden sexual or aggressive impulse which was revealed. The excessive preoccupation with a situation in which one has suffered a shameful narcissistic injury (e.g., a social faux pas) must similarly be understood as an enraged attempt to eradicate the reality of the incident by magical means, even to the point of wishing to do away with oneself in order to wipe out the tormenting memory in this fashion.” When we make mistakes or feel we’ve fallen short, especially in front of others, it can trigger deep feelings of shame which does not come from a specific error but from a sense that we have somehow damaged our ideal self—the part of us that wants to be perfect, powerful, and all-knowing. From the narcissist’s perspective, instead of feeling guilty about any hidden impulses or thoughts they might have had, they are overwhelmed by shame because they believe that it has exposed a flaw in the idea of themselves. This can lead them to fixate almost obsessively on the incident, replaying it over and over and ruminating. They might become so consumed by the desire to erase what happened that that they can feel a strong urge to make it all disappear, sometimes even wishing they could erase themselves entirely (suicide) to stop the painful memory.
This reaction is an attempt to cope with the intense discomfort by mentally undoing the event, the narcissist hoping that if they think about the event enough or punish themselves, the shame will go away.
The famous narcissistic “black eyes”, “dead eyes”, or “soulless eyes”
If you have ever been on the receiving end of a narcissistic rage, you may have experienced the terrifying “black eyes” of the narcissist. It is when you can see their eyes almost physically changing color to black, while the narcissist detaching themselves from their emotions and simultaneously looking blank/staring off while looking so intently at you, it is as if they will annihilate your very existence. It almost looks like a shark is staring right back at you.
Get to immediate safety, remove yourself if possible. If not, respond with calmness and try to de-escalate the situation – avoid confrontation. Stay calm, delay discussions, and run if possible. You may have to get authorities involved – do not be afraid or ashamed to call for help. The situation can escalate to violence.
Understanding the Why Behind the Narcissistic Injury
- Despite outward confidence, narcissists often have an unstable self-esteem that depends almost exclusively on external validation.
- Behaviors like denial, projection, and aggression serve to defend against feelings of inadequacy.
- Difficulty understanding others’ perspectives can exacerbate conflicts and misunderstandings.
A narcissistic injury is a profound emotional wound for individuals with narcissistic traits, which lead to intense and overwhelming feelings and reactions. It is not your responsibility to mange these emotions for the narcissist.
References
Kohut, H. (1972). Thoughts on narcissism and narcissistic rage. The Psychoanalytic Study of the Child, 27(1), 360–400.
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