“I Have To” versus “I Choose To” – and why it matters

Have you ever truly successfully completed something you said that you “have to” do or that you “must get” done? If you did, how did you feel afterward? Accomplished, drained, miserable, happy? There is power in the words we use, and framing things with choice versus obligation can actually change how quickly we get something done – and if we actually do it again.

Why “I have to” feels so heavy

When you say “I have to”, where does it feel in your body? Do you feel an elephant sitting on your chest, or maybe the weight of the world is on your shoulders?

When we constantly feel like we’re being forced to act, our minds and bodies respond with stress – more stress is more inflammation and more inflammation means more health problems. It’s as if we are bracing ourselves for a fight, with the pressure building up, leaving us resentful, powerless, or just plain tired of the b.s. It’s easy to get stuck in a cycle of stress and resistance. You might procrastinate, feel resentful, or burn out entirely – and still, whatever “had to” get done, didn’t get done.

Over time, that sense of being forced can chip away at your joy, motivation, and even your sense of self. It’s like living your life on autopilot, going through the motions because you “have to,” not because you want to.

You Don’t “Have to” Do Anything

Of course, there may be consequences to you not doing something – like not feeding your children or not showering for several days but still going out in public. However, you don’t “have to” do anything. It is a choice we make, however resentful of that choice we feel.

What Happens When You Say “I Choose To”
By saying that “I choose to” rather than “I have to”, you give your power back to yourself. You remind yourself that your actions align with what matters to you. For example

• “I have to go to work” becomes “I choose to go to work because I get to spend extra on my self-care while I build my business.”
• “I have to exercise” becomes “I choose to exercise because my body loves moving, even if my mind wants to sleep in.”
• “I have to spend time with my family” becomes “I choose to go get tacos, because I have a craving for them.”

It’s not about denying your responsibilities, but it sure makes it easier to do them when you see your responsibilities with purpose and intention.

How to Start Choosing, Not Just Doing

Small changes can make a big difference, and here’s a few suggestions on how to start choosing:

1. Connect Actions to Your Values. Think about why you’re doing something. What’s the deeper reason behind it? For example, cleaning the house might feel like a chore, but you can choose to see it as creating a cozy, peaceful space for yourself.
2. Reevaluate What’s Actually Necessary. Ask yourself, “Do I really need to do this, or am I holding onto an expectation that no longer serves me?” If it’s not essential, it’s okay to let it go.
3. Change “I have to” with “I choose to” or “I want to”. It will feel awkward at first, but you will find with each choice, no matter how small or large, you feel more empowered.
4. Celebrate Small Wins. These small moments of reframing add up, and each one is a step toward living with more intention and joy. So, celebrate it! Congratulate yourself on moving yourself forward!

Yes, life can feel like an obligation sometimes, and sometimes it can take weeks, months, or even years to get out of it. It’s ok. When you get stuck in that frame of mind, that is just trying to protect you, ask yourself: “What am I choosing here?”