Exploring Wounds: Betrayal is Not Normal Behavior

Two days ago, Sam had overheard Amelia’s laugh coming from Ethan’s apartment, Sam’s boyfriend of 3 years. When Amelia arrived, Sam’s voice was cold as she asked, “How long?” Amelia hesitated before admitting, “A few months,” and the truth hit like a knife; her best friend has been cheating with her boyfriend for that last few months. “You could’ve told me,” Sam said, her voice trembling with anger and hurt, but Amelia could only stammer that she was scared of losing her. “And now?” Lily asked though Amelia’s silence was answer enough.

When we think of betrayal, images of secretive backstabbing, broken promises, and deep emotional wounds often come to mind. At its core, betrayal involves violating trust – which ultimately destroys the relationship with the other person and our relationship with ourselves. Betrayal causes the betrayer to counter shared expectations, values, and/or commitments, which can involve breaking promises, sharing confidential information, abuse, and sabotage. Any behavior that fractures the psychological safety and reliability we expect from those close to us is considered betrayal.

Trust and Violating It

Trust is considered the cornerstone of any relationship, platonic or romantic. Without trust, there is no real cooperation, communication, or empathy, and the relationship would be severely compromised—it would be a relationship walking on eggshells. Trust is necessary for the relationship to have stability and meaning.

When betrayal occurs, it challenges our internalized assumptions about how the world works and who we can rely on. This challenge can also cause us to stop believing in ourselves and our ability to trust our judgments, which makes the wound of betrayal even more severe. Studies have shown that the brain treats social betrayal like physical harm, threatening the survival and well-being of the betrayed.

Examples of Betrayal

1. Self-Betrayal: Compromising one’s own values, goals, or integrity for short-term gains or to appease others. Yes, you not keeping your promises to yourself is self-betrayal.
2. Enabling Harm: Standing by or enabling wrongdoing when you have the ability to intervene. Watching someone be abused or tortured, emotionally, psychologically, or physically, is enabling harm.
3. Infidelity: A romantic partner cheats on their significant other by engaging in an emotional or physical affair.
4. Breaking Confidentiality: Sharing private or sensitive information that was entrusted to you by someone close.
5. Lying: Deliberately deceiving a partner or friend about important matters.
6. Abandonment: Leaving someone emotionally or physically when they need support the most, such as during illness or hardship.
7. Backstabbing: Speaking negatively about a friend behind their back while pretending to support them.
8. Undermining: Taking credit for a friend’s idea or undermining them to gain a personal advantage.
9. Devaluing or Neglect: Consistently neglecting or devaluing a friend in favor of new or more “convenient” connections.
10. Favoritism: A parent consistently favoring one child over another.
11. Broken Promises: Failing to honor commitments made to family members, especially when reliability is expected.
12. Manipulation: Using guilt or emotional leverage to control a family member, betraying their sense of safety.
13. Abuse of Authority: Exploiting a position of trust to harm others, such as a teacher, clergy member, or coach abusing their influence.

The Exception, Not the Rule

Betrayal often stands out in our minds because it is abnormal—it disrupts the expected patterns of trust and reciprocity. Much like a car accident, it is unexpected and, oftentimes, surprising. While misunderstandings, differences in opinion, or even conflicts are natural parts of relationships, a genuine betrayal leaps beyond these everyday occurrences. It’s not the baseline but an act that challenges our fundamental beliefs about human goodness and cooperation.

Therefore, having a cheating partner, a person who continually lies or breaks promises, someone spreading rumors in attempts to destroy someone else’s credibility or weaponized incompetence – these are all not the norm, nor are they normal behaviors. These are toxic, abusive behaviors that wither away at the core of what it means to be human, destroying a person’s self-confidence and belief not just in humanity but in themselves.

So if someone suddenly starts cussing you out, yelling at you, or being cruel in other ways – they know that something upsets you, and they do it anyway – this is betrayal. And it is not normal.

References

Lam, T. (2023). The Effects of Past Betrayals On Trust Behavior. Honors Undergraduate Theses. 1375. https://stars.library.ucf.edu/honorstheses/1375

Lee, W. S., & Selart, M. (2015). How betrayal affects emotions and subsequent trust. The Open Psychology Journal, 8(1), 153–159. https://doi.org/10.2174/1874350101508010153