Lily sat by her window and sighed, thinking about how her friends always seemed to have everything she wanted—a great job, loving relationships, exciting travels. She felt guilty for going out and fulfilling her self-needs, and she wanted to stay wrapped up in her blanket instead. “When it rains, it g–d-mn pours,” she mumbled. She ignored calls and messages, and doom-scrolled on social media in attempts to feel better and ignore her self-inflicted suffering. She was just tired of existing. She was convinced that no one could understand her struggles, and decided to self-isolate and withdraw from the world.
Disappointment, dealing with hardship, or loss leaves us feeling sorry for ourselves, a natural human emotion. Self-pity arises when things do not go as we hoped or planned, and the key is to understand these emotions hinder us or serve us.
Why do we feel sorry for ourselves?
Feeling sorry for ourselves is an emotional response to unmet needs, perceived injustices, or losses. It stems from:
- Grieving unmet expectations when reality falls short of our hopes or plans. We mourn the loss of what could have been as much as what was.
- Seeking compassion, empathy, and understanding from others.
- Feeling powerless, trapped, or overwhelmed when life just kicks us down over and over.
- Coping by temporarily avoiding difficult emotions or taking action to change our circumstances.
Where Does Self-Pity Live in the Body?
While emotions are experienced mentally, they often manifest physically due to the mind-body connection. Self-pity doesn’t reside in a specific organ or location, but many people report feeling it in certain areas:
- Chest Area: A heavy or tight sensation, often associated with feelings of sadness or grief.
- Throat: A lump or constriction, making it feel difficult to speak or express oneself.
- Stomach: Knots, butterflies, or a sinking feeling, linked to anxiety or dread.
- Shoulders and Neck: Tension or stiffness, as if carrying a heavy burden.
- Head: Pressure or headaches due to rumination and overthinking.
Emotional distress is your body’s way of saying there is something wrong.
How Does It Feel in the Body?
Self-pity can produce various physical feelings:
- Heaviness: A weight pressing down on the chest or shoulders.
- Fatigue: Low energy levels, feeling drained or lethargic.
- Tension: Muscle tightness, especially in the neck, back, and jaw.
- Restlessness: An inability to relax or sit still comfortably.
- Digestive Discomfort: Nausea or upset stomach due to stress.
When Is It Okay to Feel Sorry for Ourselves?
According to Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneer in self-compassion research, being kind to ourselves during difficult times helps reduce anxiety and increases resilience (Neff, 2003). Allowing ourselves to experience sadness and disappointment is a healthy part of emotional processing. It’s okay to feel sorry for ourselves when:
- Recognizing our hurt validates our experiences and emotions, which is essential for healing.
- Offering ourselves kindness in moments of suffering can be soothing and restorative.
- Whether it’s the loss of a loved one, a job, or a relationship, feeling sorrow is a natural part of the grieving process.
When Does It Become a Hindrance?
Feeling sorry for ourselves becomes problematic when it:
- Dwelling excessively can trap us in a cycle of negativity, making it harder to move forward.
- Using self-pity to sidestep taking action prevents growth and reinforces a victim mentality.
- Constant focus on our own suffering can strain relationships and reduce social support
- Prolonged self-pity is linked to increased feelings of depression and anxiety (Mor & Winquist, 2002).
Why are we actually grieving?
Grieving is the natural source as to why we feel sorry for ourselves. To move beyond feeling sorry for ourselves, we need to find the underlying issues, which often are:
- Loss of Control: Feeling powerless over circumstances can trigger self-pity.
- Unmet Emotional Needs: Longing for recognition, love, or validation may manifest as self-sorrow.
- Unresolved Past Experiences: Previous traumas or disappointments can resurface, amplifying current emotions.
- Fear of the Future: Uncertainty and fear about what’s ahead can cause us to retreat into self-pity.
By pinpointing what we’re truly grieving, we can address the root causes rather than just the symptoms.
How to Move Forward
- Acknowledge and Accept Your Feelings: Allow yourself to feel without judgment. Accept that you are feeling unwell or that a situation is truly bothering you to the full extent that it is. Do not hold your emotions in, release them mindfully and gently.
- Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend. Remind yourself that it’s okay to struggle and that you’re not alone.
- Reframe Your Perspective: Shift focus from what’s going wrong to what you can learn from the situation. This fosters a growth mindset.
- Set Small, Achievable Goals: Taking tiny steps can build momentum and confidence, helping you regain a sense of control.
- Seek Support: Reach out to friends, family, or mental health professionals. Sharing your feelings can provide relief and new insights.
- Engage in Mindfulness, Relaxation Techniques & Exercise: Practices like meditation and deep-breathing exercises can reduce stress and improve emotional regulation (Grossman et al., 2004).
- Embrace vulnerability to allow genuine connections and support from others
- Avoid comparisons or measuring your struggles against other’s successes.
Remember, it’s ok to feel sorry for yourself, and need additional support and compassion. The key is not to linger too long in that frame of mind. By acknowledging the root of our feelings, which may feel extremely uncomfortable, we reclaim our power and continue moving toward a more fulfilling life.
References
Discover more from My Divine Shadow
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
