Resentment

Resentment is a heavy emotion that creeps in slowly, often stemming from feeling that you have been wronged or treated unfairly. Almost unnoticed, resentment sits quietly in the background, growing over time, A companion between disgust and anger, you feel frustrated, bitter, and hurt, and those feelings sometimes linger for years.

What is resentment?

When you believe you have been mistreated, disrespected, overlooked, or wronged, and that wrong has not been acknowledged ore repaired, that is resentment. This fascinating emotion is a response to pain, unmet needs, or to a sense of imbalance in our lives that builds over time, affecting our relationships, our outlook on life and our well-being. It is in response to us feeling taken advantage of, powerless, or unheard.

Death by a Thousand Cuts

Resentment often starts when something unfair has happened – such as a broken promise, feeling unappreciated or unnoticed for your efforts, a not-so-subtle comment that hurts and is not apologized for. Over time, these seemingly minor and insignificant moments add up. Left unresolved, over time, they become the foundation for resentment – think of it like a flakey croissant. Each layer of a croissant is a layer of moments that have hurt us and we did not resolve or speak up about. These layers eventually balloon or grow out of proportion.

Unlike anger, resentment tends to simmer. It grows when we do not feel we have had the chance to express how we feel, or when we feel our pain has been dismissed or ignored. It is a wound that we or someone else constantly picks at and does not give it a chance to heal, because we keep picking at it.

Over time, resentment sets in, coloring how we view the person or situation that hurts us, and even spreading into other areas of our life. While we do not believe in any one faith in particular, those who are often brought up with a faith – Christianity, etc., – may also find themselves resenting God.

Where Does Resentment Live in the Body?

Emotions are deeply interconnected with our physical state due to the mind-body connection. Resentment doesn’t reside in a specific organ, but many people experience it physically in certain areas:

• A tightness or heaviness in the chest, sometimes described as a weight pressing down, reflecting emotional burdens.
• Tension and stiffness, as if carrying the weight of unresolved issues.
• Clenching or tightness in the jaw muscles, potentially leading to headaches or facial pain.
• Digestive discomfort, knots, or a churning sensation due to stress and anxiety.
• Tingling or restlessness, reflecting suppressed anger or the urge to act.

How Does Resentment Feel in the Body?

You can feel resentment physically, where it can create a feedback loop where bodily discomfort intensifies emotional destress:

• Persistent tightness in muscles, leading to aches and pains.
• Feeling your heart beat faster when thinking about the source of resentment.
• Difficulty falling or staying asleep due to rumination.
• Flushing or warmth in the face and neck, often associated with anger.
• Emotional exhaustion that translates into physical tiredness.
• An inability to relax or constant agitation.

Justified Resentment – Drinking Poison, and Expecting the Other Person to Suffer

If someone is rightfully wronged, we may feel or believe that by holding unto resentment, that you are punishing the person who has wronged you. For example, if you are passed over for promotions at work despite being qualified and working diligently. Another example is a betrayal of a close friend or being repeatedly disrespected in a relationship.

Signs that Someone May Be Actively Resenting You

Recognizing resentment in others can be challenging, as it often manifests subtly. Those who have people-pleasing, co-dependent, or narcissism may also be much more subtle. Here are some common signs that someone may be harboring resentment toward you:

1. Passive aggressive behavior: they make sarcastic or backhanded comments, “forget” things that are important to you, or are just subtle and indirect, rather than addressing their feelings directly.
2. Emotional withdrawal:  a person may seem distant, avoid meaningful conversations, or stop engaging with you in the way they used to to create a sense of coldness or detachment within the relationship.
3. Frequent criticism: a person may be overly critical of you, even about small things that would not have bothered them before, such as through nitpicking, frequent corrects, or pointing out your flaws more than usual.
4. Avoidance: cancelling plans, taking longer to respond to your messages, or limit their interactions with you in attempts to confront their feelings.
5. Increased irritability: everything you do makes the person easily irritated or frustrated by your actions. Even small misunderstandings or mistakes can lead to disproportionate reactions.
6. Lack of effort: the person becomes indifferent, stop initiating conversations, or show less interest in maintaining the connection.
7. Body language or tone changes: a person’s tone may become more sharp, curt, or condescending when they speak to you, even if they don’t say anything explicitly negative. They may also avoid eye-contact or lack general warmth in their interactions with you.

Why hold unto resentment?

The University of New Hampshire (n.d.) described fascinatingly how holding unto resentful behavior actually leads you to feeling hurt, victimized again, and disempowered. Why?

• Being resentful gives the illusion of power and control.
• It is a way to continue to hold on to a relationship that has otherwise ended.
• It provides “energy and impetus to get things done.”
• It is a way to avoid uncomfortable communication.
• It seems to offer protection from vulnerability, a way to feel safe.
• It allows a person to feel “right” (moral righteousness)
• Attempting to provoke feelings of guilt in the other person(s).
• It is a way to avoid the feelings under the anger.
• It allows a person to avoid responsibility and stay in the role of victim (victim mentality or victim complex).

Resentment is Self-Mutilation

Resentment is draining. It is not something that just lives in our minds; it impacts every aspect of our lives. When we carry resentment, we are carrying a weight that we do not put down, which leads to emotional exhaustion, straining our relationships, and even affects our physical and mental health. Resentment can create distance between us and the people we care about, whether it is with a partner, friend, or family member. The stress of holding unto unresolved resentment can lead to physical symptoms like headaches, tension, inflammation, weight gain; or emotional symptoms, such as anxiety and depression.

Healing through Resentment

Healing through resentment is not an overnight process, but it is possible, through open, honest communication – especially with yourself.

1. Find a way to express how you feel. This does not mean you have to confront the person who has wronged you, but it does mean you honor and respect your feelings by giving them a voice. Speak to them with someone, such as a trusted friend, have a difficult conversation, or journal your emotions (and if possible, you can absolutely set that paper on fire when you are done.)
2. Give yourself compassion. Acknowledge the pain you have experienced, and give yourself permission to feel it and sit with it – it will be uncomfortable, but it it is necessary. Healing is not about denying the hurt, it means you allow yourself to process without judgement.
3. If you feel taken advantage of or disrespected, set clear boundaries in your relationships. Communicate your needs and protect your emotional well-being to prevent future resentment from building.
4. Forgive – yourself. Forgiveness is not about excusing harmful behavior or forgetting that it had happened. It is about releasing the emotional grip that resentment has on you, not just from the other person’s behavior, but from your belief that you did not stand up for yourself as much as you could or should have to prevent it.
5. Shift your focus. The situation already occurred, how can you care for yourself now so that you can work toward it not happening again? What can you do to bring yourself joy and fulfillment? Look forward toward the future rather than bringing the past to the present.

References

University of New Hampshire. (n.d.). Resentment and forgiveness. UNH PACS. https://www.unh.edu/pacs/resentment-forgiveness