5 Steps on Dealing with Anger

We have been wrongfully taught that anger is a negative emotion, and oftentimes, we see it expressed negatively (such as when someone throws a chair at a tv when their favorite football team loses) or through violence. Anger itself is not violent, it is a signal that something matters to you and that you believe you have been wronged in some way. Anger is a very important, valid and natural emotion and tool that should be used to figure out what matters to you, why it matters, and why you felt wronged.

Rather than using violence to express anger, use the following 6 steps to work with anger compassionately:

1. Recognize and label your anger.
2. Step away and breathe deeply.
3. Reframe your thoughts with kindness.
4. Move your body to release tension.
5. Express your anger constructively

Step 1: Name your anger and acknowledge it

When you say to yourself, “I feel angry”, you are validating the emotion, not dismissing or fighting it. A study by Lieberman et al. (2007) found that when participants verbalized their emotions, the brain’s emotional center, the amygdala, calmed down, and areas of cognitive control became more active. In other words, naming your anger helps you manage it. Much like when someone recognizes that they have hurt you, when you recognize your emotion (that of anger), you show self-kindness.

Step 2: Step away, and breathe

Anger causes your heart rate to speak and your body to tense up, activating your 4F (fight, flight, freeze, fawn) response. Stepping away, both physically or mentally, and reminding yourself to breathe deeply (and doing so) helps you regain your calm. Try 4-4-4 box breathing technique: inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, exhale slowly for 4 seconds, hold for seconds, and repeat.

If you are unable to step away from the trigger, it is ok to pause before responding. No one has to force a response out of you.

Step 3: Kindness for your thoughts

Anger is often fueled by how we interpret a situation, such as “They’re doing this on purpose” or “I can’t stand this right now, this is bull****”. After breathing and taking a moment for yourself, ask yourself: is there another explanation for happened? Will this matter to me a year from now?

Reframing your thoughts about the situation is not about ignoring your feelings, but softening the inner dialogue that amplifies the anger. Keep in mind, there are times when you will purposefully hold unto that fuel and that’s ok, too. However, the longer you hold unto that pain, the deeper degree burn it will be.

Step 4: Don’t calm down, start (or keep) moving

Anger also resides in the body, not just the mind. Moving your body helps release all of that energy that anger creates while boosting endorphins. A study by Thayer et al (1994) found that physical activity, whether walking, stretching, or a run, any type of movement helps reset your emotional state, and reduce feelings of anger and tension.

So don’t just force yourself to “calm down”, actively do something to give your body a chance to let go of the energy and tension. Rage rooms, which are safe places set up with equipment that a person can actively destroy, are also a great idea.

Step 5: Express, don’t bottle up

Bottling up anger can lead to resentment, while explosive outbursts cause harm. A healthy alternative is to express anger constructively using “I-statements.” This allows you to focus on your feelings without blaming others. “I feel [emotion] when [situation] because [reason]. I need [positive action or boundary].” For example: “I feel hurt when my ideas are ignored because it makes me feel undervalued. I need us to communicate more openly.”

References

1. Beck, A. T. (2011). Cognitive therapy of personality disorders. Guilford Press.
2. Bushman, B. J. (2002). Does venting anger feed or extinguish the flame? Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 28(6), 724-731. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167202289002
3. Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Crown Publishing.
4. Lieberman, M. D., Eisenberger, N. I., Crockett, M. J., Tom, S. M., Pfeifer, J. H., & Way, B. M. (2007). Putting feelings into words: Affect labeling disrupts amygdala activity. Psychological Science, 18(5), 421-428. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9280.2007.01916.x
5. Thayer, R. E., Newman, J. R., & McClain, T. M. (1994). Self-regulation of mood: Strategies for changing a bad mood, raising energy, and reducing tension. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 67(5), 910-925. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.67.5.910
6. Zaccaro, A., Piarulli, A., Laurino, M., Garbella, E., Menicucci, D., & Gemignani, A. (2018). How breath-control can change your life: A systematic review on psycho-physiological correlates of slow breathing. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, 12, 353. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnhum.2018.00353