What is enmeshment?

If you ever felt so deeply entangled in someone else’s emotions, expectations or needs (especially when dealing with a narcissist) that you lost sight of your own self or felt that your identity was merged with the other person, you have experienced enmeshment.

What is enmeshment?

Enmeshment happens when your boundaries with another person, especially within families, become blurred or non-existent.  Your personality, emotions, decisions, and identity becomes so intertwined with another that your individuality is compromised. Enmeshment stems from well-intentioned but unbalanced relationships. For example,

• A parent who relies on their child for emotional support rather than their partner. This makes the child feel obligated to meet the parent’s emotional needs.
• A family that prioritizes loyalty and togetherness over individuality. This makes the child or person become over-dependent on the family, unable to be supportive but rather addicted to each other.
• One partner feels so tightly connected to their person that they feel responsible for the other’s happiness. This can be a dynamic in platonic friendships as well.

Signs of Enmeshment

Not sure if enmeshment applies to your situation? Here are some common signs:

1. Difficulty Setting Boundaries: You feel guilty or selfish when trying to say “no” or prioritize your needs. (You may also become a people pleaser).
2. Overinvolvement: You feel overly responsible for someone else’s emotions, decisions, or well-being—or they feel this way about you.
3. Loss of Individuality: Your goals, interests, or values are overshadowed by the other person’s.
4. Fear of Separation: You worry that asserting independence could harm the relationship.
5. Lack of Privacy: Personal boundaries, such as emotional or physical space, are frequently overlooked or dismissed.

Enmeshment is Suffocating

Over time, it can lead to a loss of identity, as you struggle to define who you are outside of the relationship. It can also lead to emotional burnout from constantly prioritizing someone else’s needs, as well as difficulty forming healthy relationships since you have a difficult time setting boundaries or maintaining independence.

Can You Heal From Enmeshment?

Absolutely. The first step is recognizing the signs of enmeshment: where are your boundaries with these individuals, and how they may be blurred. Then, explore your interests, goals, and values. What makes you you outside of this relationship? Set boundaries, and learn the word ‘no’. It’ll be hard at first, but boundaries are not about rejecting someone, they’re about knowing your limits and making sure people understand not to overstep them.

You will most likely feel very guilty or ashamed of how entangled you were in one or many relationships. You are breaking a long standing pattern, and doing so takes time. Your well-being, you being an individual, is an act of love – for both current you, future you, and the other relationship. You don’t necessarily have to sever ties or abandon loved ones or family members, it’s about finding balance.