Toxic Positivity: Why “Good Vibes Only” Aren’t Always Good

Stephanie was the kind of person who always had a smile on her face, no matter the situation, and was known as the “positive one” in her group. But when her best friend, Cleo, went through a painful breakup, Stephanie’s relentless positivity began to feel like a burden. Every time Cleo tried to open up about her pain, Stephanie would respond with phrases like, “Everything happens for a reason” or “Just stay positive, and you’ll get through this.” Instead of feeling comforted, Cleo felt unheard and dismissed. Cleo began to withdraw, feeling as though her emotions were an inconvenience. Stephanie, in her attempt to help, had unknowingly created a barrier between them. Eventually, Cleo stopped reaching out.

Toxic positivity is the overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state across all situations, no matter how difficult or painful they may be. It dismisses real emotions and experiences, leading to an environment where negative feelings are seen as a weakness, rather than an essential part of the human experience. Many people turn to positivity as a source of comfort – there is something undeniably appealing about trying to see the bright side of things, regardless of the situation. But can positivity become harmful? Yes, when positivity becomes a forced expectation – a requirement rather than a genuine feeling.

The Dark Side of “Good Vibes Only”

“Just think positive,” “live, laugh, love”, or the mantra of “good vibes only” are messages that may be intended to uplift, but they can also send the unintended signal that there is no room for anything other than happiness and gratitude. This becomes a kind of pressure that can be difficult when someone is experience grief or crisis. Imagine telling someone who has just lost a loved one that they should “look on the bright side”, “there’s a silver lining,” “they’re in a better place,” or “focus on the positives.” It not only minimizes their pain but also sends a message that their grief is not valid or welcome.

Suppressing emotions can have serious negative effects on mental and physical health. Kashdan et al. (2014) published a study in Journal of Experimental Psychology that found that when people suppress their emotions, their stress levels increase, which can lead to a range of health issues, including anxiety, depression, and even weakened immune responses.  The study (2014) also discovered that the tendency to avoid internal, unwanted thoughts and feelings, became a risk factor for social anxiety. By forcing positivity, we are inadvertently encouraging the suppression of emotions that need to be expressed, processed, and validated.

Coping with Positivity

Toxic positivity can be a coping mechanism, particularly for individuals who struggle to deal with difficult emotions. By focusing exclusively on positive thoughts, people may try to protect themselves from feeling overwhelmed by negative emotions. This avoidance strategy helps them sidestep uncomfortable feelings like sadness, anger, or fear.  Toxic positivity allows people to maintain an illusion of control in the face of uncertainty, but it does so at the cost of suppressing the complexity of the human experience.

Why Do We Fall Into the Trap of Toxic Positivity?

Part of the reason toxic positivity is so pervasive is because we live in a culture that often celebrates productivity, happiness, and success while ignoring or shaming vulnerability. Many people feel uncomfortable with their own negative emotions and, by extension, with the emotions of others. In an attempt to alleviate discomfort, we lean into positivity—hoping that a cheerful attitude can somehow erase the underlying pain.

We are also constantly bombarded with the false expectation and curated images of perfect lives, joyful relationships, and endless achievements through social media. This false belief becomes that our lives, too, should always be happy and successful. In response, we might feel the need to project an image of unwavering positivity, dismissing our own beliefs and emotions, moving us closer to resentment.

For some, encouraging others to “stay positive” may come from a place of love and care. We want to help people feel better, and we may genuinely believe that being positive will help lift them out of their struggles. Unfortunately, this well-intentioned advice can end up alienating the very people we want to support as it sends the message that their pain is an inconvenience and that they should quickly move past it rather than truly sitting and experiencing the discomfort.

The Importance of Emotional Honesty

True emotional well-being comes from accepting and experiencing the full range of human emotions, both “good” and “bad”. It involves acknowledging that sadness, fear, anger, and disappointment are all valid responses to life’s challenges. These emotions provide important information about our needs, boundaries, and experiences, and when we push them away in favor of “staying positive,” we dishonor ourselves and our experience.

Embracing emotional honesty doesn’t mean wallowing in negativity or rejecting positivity altogether. It means creating space for all emotions to coexist and understanding that it’s okay to feel sadness, frustration, or grief. We can still find moments of joy, hope, and gratitude, but we must also honor our pain. When we give ourselves permission to feel the difficult emotions, we are ultimately able to process them in a healthy way, which can lead to deeper healing and more authentic resilience.

Supporting Others in a Meaningful Way

So how do we support someone without being toxically positive? The ms important to resist the urge to brush aside their pain with a positive statement. Instead, try to hold space for them and their emotions. You might say things like:

• “I’m here for you, no matter what you’re feeling.”
• “It’s okay to feel upset—what you’re going through is really hard.”
• “I don’t have all the answers, but I’m here to listen.”

These types of responses acknowledge the difficulty of what the person is experiencing without trying to “fix” it. They create a safe space where the other person can express their true feelings without fear of judgment or dismissal. This kind of compassionate listening is one of the most meaningful gifts we can offer someone in pain.

Healthy positivity is about balance. It’s about acknowledging the full spectrum of our emotions while allowing ourselves to experience sadness without feeling guilty, cultivating gratitude and finding ways to move forward when we’re ready. It’s about knowing that it’s okay to not be okay.

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