Passive-Aggressiveness

Passive-aggressive behavior is a subtle but indirect way that a person expresses their frustration, anger, or dissatisfaction. As overt violence is strongly prohibited in modern society, a person will rely on indirect or subtle attacks to express their hostility toward the other person (Lim & Suh, 2022).

The aim is to hurt you indirectly or passively, without making it directly obvious.

What is Passive Aggressiveness?

Instead of saying outright what is bothering them, a person might avoid confrontation, give you the silent treatment, or express their feelings subtly through actions or remarks. These feelings can show up in many forms: delayed responses, sarcastic or sly comments, silent treatment, or simply not following through on commitments.

For many, passive aggressiveness is a learned coping mechanism to deal with (or rather avoid) uncomfortable situations or conflict. However, studies have implied that passive aggression may be a temperament because it develops as a result of distressing early experiences at home, including abuse and negative parenting (Reichborn-Kjennerud, 2010; Johnson et al., 2006). Passive aggressiveness was originally diagnosed in the 1st edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-I) as “passive-dependent personality”. Revised in later texts, the DSM-III-R (DSM III revised), it was included in the personality category as “passive-aggressive personality disorder” or PAPD (Lim & Suh, 2022). In DSM-5, PAPD was removed as it has been argued that it has many overlapping characteristics of other personality disorders (Hopwood & Wright, 2012).

Signs of Passive Aggressiveness

Passive-aggressiveness can be difficult to spot because it is not always obvious when it occurs. Here are some signs that someone might be behaving in a passive-aggressive way:

• Silent Treatment: They stop talking or avoid communication altogether without explanation.
• Procrastination: They delay tasks or intentionally perform poorly as a way of resisting.
• Sarcasm: Backhanded compliments or sarcastic remarks are common tools used to express dissatisfaction.
• Withholding Help or Information: They may intentionally keep important information from you, making it harder for you to succeed.
• Fake Agreement: They agree to something verbally but have no intention of following through, leading to unspoken tension.
• Playing the Victim: When confronted, they may act as though they are the one being wronged, making it difficult to have an honest conversation.

These behaviors often arise because the person doesn’t feel safe, comfortable, or simply does not want to express their true feelings directly. In a way, they use passive aggressiveness as a form of punishment. Passive aggressive behavior can also relate to an inner insecurity regarding the person’s value or worth, particularly with respect to authority figures.  They also ruminate about how others treat them unfairly or disrespect them, and often times develop a deep, unexpressed sense of resentment and contempt (Hopwood & Wright, 2012).

Why Passive Aggressive Behavior Hurts

Passive-aggressive behavior can cause harm in both personal and professional relationships if left unchecked. It often leads to:

• Erosion of Trust: You begin to question whether you can trust someone who says one thing but does another.
• Increased Conflict: Instead of resolving issues, passive-aggressiveness can build resentment and frustration
• Emotional Harm: Being on the receiving end of passive-aggressive behavior can make you feel belittled, manipulated, or dismissed.
• Relationship Breakdown: Over time, the unresolved tension can weaken or ruin relationships.

Passive aggressiveness damage can be substantial and permanent.

Dealing with Passive Aggressiveness Compassionately

Addressing passive-aggressiveness can feel uncomfortable, but by approaching the situation with compassion, you create space for healthier communication. Here are some ways to deal with it kindly and effectively:

• Address the Behavior Gently
  Try to address the behavior directly but in a non-confrontational way. Use “I” statements to express how the actions are affecting you. This opens the door for honest conversation without making the person feel attacked. For example:
  – “I’ve noticed there’s been some hesitation in discussing the project. Is there something you’re worried about that we can work through together?” or
  – “I feel like you’re not telling me everything that’s bothering you, and shutting me out instead. How can I help you feel safe enough to tell me what’s wrong?”
• Stay Calm and Composed
  It’s easy to get frustrated in the face of passive-aggressive behavior, but staying calm can help de-escalate the situation. Remember, this isn’t about “winning” the conversation but about resolving underlying issues. Keep your focus on the behavior, not the person.
• Set Clear Boundaries
  While it’s important to be compassionate, it’s also okay to set boundaries. Let the person know what behaviors are not acceptable and what you expect moving forward. Clear expectations can prevent misunderstandings and reduce passive-aggressive tendencies.
• Encourage Open Communication
  Fostering an environment of openness can go a long way in preventing passive-aggressive behavior. Encourage direct and honest communication, and reassure the person that their concerns will be heard without judgment.
• Don’t Take It Personally
  Passive-aggressiveness often stems from the other person’s inability to express themselves, and it’s rarely a reflection of you. Try not to take their behavior personally. Instead, focus on the underlying feelings they might be struggling to communicate.
• Consider Mediation if Necessary
  If passive-aggressiveness is disrupting a workplace or personal relationship and can’t be resolved through direct communication, mediation might help. A neutral third party can facilitate a constructive dialogue.

We all have moments where we struggle to communicate our feelings directly. Sometimes, a little kindness and understanding can go a long way.

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