Over-Explaining & Over-Sharing Yourself

Whenever Jody made a mistake at work, even a small one, she felt compelled to explain every detail to her boss. One day, she accidentally missed an email, and instead of simply apologizing, she launched into a lengthy explanation about her workload, her internet issues, and even what happened to her over the weekend. Her boss, looking slightly overwhelmed, nodded politely but seemed distant. Later, Jody realized that her need to over-explain wasn’t just about the missed email—it was about her fear of being seen as incompetent and being misunderstood.

If you have ever found yourself explaining your actions or decisions in excessive detail, to the point where you felt as if you needed to convince someone of your worth or intention, you are not alone. It may have started a simple justification, but you kept adding more and more, making sure to drive your point so that you are fully understood and that there was no room for any kind of misunderstanding. Over-explaining is a habitual response rooted in deeper emotions and is often seen as both a trauma response and coping mechanism.

What is over-explaining?

Offering context is a healthy part of communication. Over-explaining is the tendency to provide justification or excessive detail for our actions, decisions, or feelings, beyond what is necessary, with the aim to prove that we are being reasonable or that our intentions are good. It can often leave you feeling drained, unheard, or even guilty, as you are constantly seeking validation to it is ok to be simply ourselves, and that our choices deserve acceptance without needing a detailed defense. Essentially, you are defending yourself through over-explaining that you (and your actions) are inherently good. 

What is over-sharing?

Oversharing occurs when you divulge excessive personal information, often what is beyond comfortable for others to hear, sometimes inappropriately. It is an attempt to create closeness and connection with others, as well as validation, especially when people feel isolated, anxious, or eager for a connection.

Is over-explaining a trauma response or a coping skill?

The roots of over-explaining are tied to experiences of feeling unsafe, misunderstood, or invalidated. If you grew up in an environment where your needs or feelings were frequently dismissed, criticized, or ignored, you may have learned to over-explain as a way to seek approval or to avoid conflict. Over-explaining became a way to prevent reject or punishment – and also as a way to convince not just others, but yourself, that your needs and feelings are valid.

As a trauma response, over-explaining arises often from the fear of being rejected, judged, or even harmed if you are not fully understood. Perhaps you were punished (wrongfully) for not telling all the details of something that happened at school, or you forgot to do something and your caretaker became angry with you. Essentially, your caretakers were quick to dismiss your feelings, and required you to justify yourself and your existence constantly. Over-explaining becomes a way of managing anxiety and ensuring that those around you are comfortable with your actions.

As a coping skill, over-explaining is a way to try to gain control over situations where you feel vulnerable. You hope to create a sense of safety so that not misunderstandings occur and that others won’t be upset with you. Over time, however, this behavior can erode your self-confidence, and reinforce the belief that your choices are only valid if others fully understand and approve of them.

Why Do We Over-Explain?

Over-explaining often stems from deep-seated fears and insecurities, such as:

• Fear of Rejection or Disapproval: If you fear that others won’t accept your decisions, you may over-explain to avoid feeling judged or criticized.
• Need for Validation: When we’re unsure about our own worth, we tend to seek reassurance from others, believing that their understanding or approval will make us feel better.
• People-Pleasing: You might have learned to prioritize others’ comfort over your own needs, which leads to excessive justification to make sure no one feels hurt or inconvenienced.
• Past Experiences: Over-explaining can be a learned behavior from environments where you felt emotionally unsafe, such as growing up with a critical parent, being in a toxic relationship, or experiencing an abusive work environment. These experiences teach you that over-explaining is a way to avoid negative consequences.

Over-sharing versus Over-explaining?

Oversharing is often driven by a need and desire for emotional connection, while over-explaining is more about managing perceptions and minimizing misunderstandings and potential disapproval. Both come from feelings of insecurity and/or negative past experiences.

How Do We Stop Over-Explaining?

Breaking the habit of over-explaining takes practice, patience, and a willingness to reconnect with your sense of self-worth. Here are some compassionate ways to begin shifting this pattern:

1. Recognize When You’re Over-Explaining: The first step is awareness. Notice when you feel the urge to give more detail than necessary. Ask yourself, “Am I trying to justify myself because I feel anxious or afraid of how the other person will react?”
2. Pause and Breathe: When you catch yourself over-explaining, take a deep breath and pause. Sometimes, a moment of reflection can help you determine if what you’re about to say is truly needed or if it’s coming from a place of fear.
3. Practice Setting Boundaries: Remind yourself that you don’t need to justify your every decision. Setting boundaries might mean giving simple answers, such as “I can’t make it,” without elaborating unless it feels appropriate. Your choices are valid, even without a detailed explanation.
4. Use Affirmative Self-Talk: Replace the habit of over-explaining with affirmations that remind you of your self-worth. Tell yourself, “I am enough,” or “My decisions are valid, and I do not need to over-explain them.” This can help you gradually let go of the need for external validation.
5. Communicate with Confidence: Practice giving straightforward responses. It can feel uncomfortable at first, but over time, you may find that simple, honest answers are met with acceptance. The more you practice this, the more confident you will become in expressing your needs.
6. Reflect on Your Triggers: Understanding the situations or people that trigger your over-explaining can help you prepare. Reflect on past situations where you found yourself over-explaining, and identify what made you feel unsafe. This awareness can help you respond differently in the future.