Our Suffering Becomes Our Identity

Magda was diagnosed with lupus, a chronic autoimmune disease, when she turned 33. At first, Magda fought against the diagnosis, determined to beat it, while trying to maintain her previous lifestyle. But over time, the constant doctor visits, the medications, and the limitations imposed by her condition began to consume her life. She found solace in online support groups where others shared similar struggles, and soon her identity became entwined with her illness. She was no longer just Magda: she was “Magda with lupus.” She viewed viewed every aspect of her life—her relationships, her career, her future – through this lens of lupus. While the community provided her with much-needed support, it also reinforced the idea that her illness defined her. In some way, lupus became a part of Magda and how she viewed and understood herself personally and in the world.

Suffering is a deeply personal experience that leaves a remarkable mark on our sense of self. For many, it becomes a cornerstone of their identity, whether they realize it or not. But why does this happen? Why do some people, when they experience illness or trauma, make their suffering such a core part of who they are? And why, even when there are chances and opportunities to move forward, do we often choose to hold onto the pain? To understand this, we need to explore the psychology of suffering, the human need for belonging, and the complex ways in which our minds has to make meaning out of pain. After all, if the pain has no meaning, then all the suffering meant nothing.

Identity and Suffering

The process of identity formation is a complex topic that involves our experiences and our need to make sense of them. According to Erik Erikson’s 1954 theory of psychosocial development, our identities are shaped by navigating challenges and crises throughout our lives (Orenstein & Lewis, 2024). Major hardships, such as chronic illness, trauma, or personal loss, often demand our attention in a way that reshapes how we see ourselves. Main times, these challenges break some core aspect of ourselves that we had used as a framework for our navigation through life. When that piece breaks and our framework is fractured, we often look toward something to replace that fracture. In many cases, the identity of “someone who has suffered” or “someone who is ill” becomes that piece and the new framework through which we make sense of the world.

Research has shown that adopting an illness or trauma-based identity can offer a sense of stability in the midst of overwhelming change. Chronic illness, for example, significantly disrupts life and “undermines the unity between body and the self” (Charmaz,1995), and some individuals may come to identify strongly with their condition as a way to cope. A study on “The Body, Identity, and Self” published by Charmaz (1995) describes how people with chronic conditions often restructure their sense of self around the illness because it allows them to regain a sense of control over their changing reality.

External factors, such as friends, family, and even social media communities, can further reinforce this identity by providing a sense of belonging, validation, and even excuse bad behavior in some cases. While this support can be a lifeline during difficult times, it also can reinforce the idea that the suffering is an integral part of who they are, and that the person must continue to suffer and publicly announce their suffering in order to have their identity reinforced.

Why Do We Hold Onto Suffering?

Human beings are a paradox: we often hold onto the very things that cause us pain. One key reason is that letting go of suffering can feel like minimizing or erasing the significance of what we’ve been through. For those who have faced trauma, chronic illness, or deep emotional wounds, the pain is a testament to their resilience. Letting go can feel like letting go of a part of ourselves, invalidating the depth of the traumatic experience, or that the experience no longer matters.

Psychological masking is a protective mechanism also in play. Our shadow self holds unto our suffering to create a barrier between ourselves and future pain. In other words, our shadow stays in the familiar place of suffering to reduce the risk of being caught off guard by something new and equally painful.

The Brain and Suffering

Negativity bias is the brain being wired to remember negative experiences more vividly than positive one. This is a survival mechanism which helped our ancestors stay alert to dangers.

There is also a set of brain regions known as the default mode network (DMN), which activates when we are at rest or self-reflecting. Research published in Frontiers in Psychology (Kross et al., 2014) suggests that overactivity in the DMN can lead to ruminative thoughts, where we replay negative experiences over and over again, and dwell on our suffering which solidifies its place in our sense of self.

Finding Meaning Beyond Suffering

If suffering becomes our identity, it’s not because we consciously choose to live in pain. It’s often because, at some level, it has provided us with meaning, stability, or connection.

It does not have to stop there. We can also choose to find meaning beyond suffering. Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor and the author of Man’s Search for Meaning, argued that humans are driven by a need to find purpose, even in the most difficult circumstances. When suffering becomes our identity, we are often searching for a purpose that helps us endure. However, when suffering is no longer an option or an alternative, we can also find purpose in growth, resilience, and love.

Letting Go and Moving Forward

Letting go of suffering does not mean forgetting it or pretending it never happened. Instead, it means recognizing that while suffering is a part of our story, it is not the entirety of who we are. The journey involves acknowledging the pain, finding a way to make peace with it, and allowing ourselves to create new narratives that are not defined by what has happened to us, but by how we choose to respond.

To move away from suffering as a central part of our identity, we must first honor it. Acknowledge what has happened, accept the impact it has had on us, but also allow room for other parts of ourselves to flourish. To be conscious of our suffering is to consciously make the choice to continue to suffer or to go beyond it. Seeking therapy, connecting with supportive communities that don’t center only on the illness or trauma, and gradually redirecting attention to our strengths, hobbies, and relationships can help shift our focus away from suffering. By holding unto suffering, we become our suffering, and the cycle of (self) violence (karma) continues.

Ultimately, while suffering may shape us, it doesn’t need to be our whole identity. We are more than our pain.

References

Charmaz, K. (1995). THE BODY, IDENTITY, AND SELF. Sociological Quarterly, 36: 657-680. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1533-8525.1995.tb00459.x