Healing Trauma Bonds

Trauma bonds, or traumatic bonding (TB) is a complex emotional and psychological attachment that can develop between a victim and their abuser. Essentially, a trauma bond is formed as a result of repeated cycles of violence, be the violence emotional, psychological or physical, where periods of trauma are interspersed with moments of kindness, affection, or peace. The emotional highs and lows create a powerful bond, much like an addiction, that can make it difficult for the victim to leave the relationship, even when they are aware of the harm being done.

Symptoms of a trauma bond

A deep emotional attachment to a victim’s abuser can occur from a cycle of abuse mixed with moments of kindness, affection, or peace. The victim gets addicted to the inconsistent emotional highs and lows that reinforce the trauma bond, and does whatever they can to keep that emotional high going in attempts to ward away or balance the more frequent occurring emotional lows.

1. Feeling Indebted or Obligated to Stay
   A common symptom of trauma bonding is feeling trapped or obligated to stay in the relationship. The victim may feel that they owe the abuser for moments of kindness or protection, despite the abuse. This creates a psychological bond where the victim believes they are responsible for the abuser’s well-being or happiness – in other words, Stockholm syndrome. You are not responsible for anyone’s well-being or happiness but your own.
2. A Sense of Loyalty to the Abuser
   Victims often feel a strong sense of loyalty to their abuser, even if they are aware of the damage being done. This loyalty can stem from a distorted belief that they are the only one who understands or can “save” the abuser, especially if the abuser has shared personal struggles or vulnerabilities. This stems from the victim’s own lack of self-worth, and belief that if they can save the abuser, that they are inherently saving themselves. This is a false narrative.
3. Cycles of Hope and Disappointment
   The intermittent nature of the abuser’s behavior—alternating between kindness and abuse—creates cycles of hope and disappointment. The victim might hold on to the belief that the abuser will change or that things will get better, even though the abusive behavior persists. “If I give my partner enough love, s/he will stop getting angry with me. If I give my partner money for that unexpected bill, they will not get upset and take it out on me.” You cannot love someone enough for them change.
4. Rationalizing or Justifying Abuse
   Trauma bond victims often make excuses for their abuser’s behavior. They may convince themselves that the abuse isn’t as bad as it seems, or that the abuser is behaving this way because of stress, past trauma, or external circumstances. Victims might say things like, “They didn’t mean it,” or “It’s my fault for making them angry.” It is not your responsibility to regulate another person’s emotions.
5. Blaming Themselves for the Abuse
   Victims may internalize the abuse and believe that it’s their fault. They might feel that if they behaved differently, the abuse wouldn’t happen. This self-blame keeps them tied to the relationship, hoping they can “fix” the situation by changing their behavior.
6. Isolation from Others
   Trauma bonds often lead to isolation from friends, family, or other supportive networks. The victim may withdraw from others either because they feel ashamed of the abuse or because the abuser has manipulated them into believing that no one else will understand or support them.
7. Constant Need for Validation from the Abuser
   Victims of trauma bonding frequently seek approval and validation from their abuser, even when it’s harmful. The abuser’s opinion may become central to their sense of self-worth, and they may feel worthless without their approval.
8. Emotional Dependence
   A trauma bond often leads to deep emotional dependence on the abuser. The victim may feel that they cannot live without the abuser, even though they recognize the harm. This dependency makes it extremely difficult to leave the relationship.
9. Difficulty Detaching from the Abuser
   Even after leaving the relationship or recognizing the abuse, the victim may struggle with detachment. They might constantly think about the abuser, feel compelled to return, or have difficulty forming healthy attachments with others.
10. Confusion – Is it really abuse?
    The victim may feel confused about the relationship, often minimizing the abuse or questioning whether it’s truly abuse. They may struggle to recognize that what they are experiencing is harmful, particularly if the abuser alternates between cruelty and affection.

How can a trauma bond be created?

Intermittent reinforcement is a pattern where positive and negative behaviors are unpredictably mixed. Consider it like playing a slot machine or any game of chance at the casino: there are occasional payouts, but you don’t know where, when, or even if those payouts are going to happen – and so you keep waiting, and you keep hoping, and you keep investing your time, money, and energy.  The abuser may alternate between cruelty, manipulation, or neglect, and periods of kindness, love, or attention.  Over time, this inconsistent behavior causes the victim to become emotionally dependent on the abuser for validation, worth, and love.

There are 3 key factors that contribute to a trauma bond, which include:

1. Intermittent reinforcement, where the abuser’s unpredictable behavior makes the victim crave moments of affection, no matter how insignificant or fleeting.
2. Emotional manipulation, where the abuser may blame, guilt, or gaslight the victim into believing the abuse is actually the victims fault or that they deserve it. Often times, you get blamed for “not doing enough” or “it’s your fault, you should have given more”, etc.
3. Fear and isolation, where the victim is often isolated from support systems, making them feel trapped and dependent on the abuser for the emotional connection.

Saunders’s (1999) attachment theory explains that traumatic bonding is an unresolved form of insecure attachment in which “the capacity for self-regulation is impaired by the alternately abusive and protective actions of an attachment figure.” Parents generally love and care for their children, but sometimes, due to physical illness, mental illness, or even generational trauma, they may inflict their own suffering on their children. As Waikamp et al. (2021) described, abuse can be sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse (using words and actions that shame, censor, humiliate, and/or permanently pressure, such as constant work or high-achievement to receive perfect grades) and neglect (depriving the child of something they need, such as emotional connection, when this is essential to healthy development). For example, anxiety in adulthood is directly associated with childhood traumatic experiences, particularly due to abuse and emotional neglect (Huh et al., 2017).

When does trauma bonding occur?

No relationship is safe from a trauma bond.

• Romantic relationships: one or both partners can be abusive, but alternate their behaviors or apologies, promises for change that do not ever occur.
• Familial relationships: siblings or children may form trauma bonds with abusive parents or family members.
• Work relationships: employees may bond with abusive employers who use manipulation, threats, or exploitation to maintain control while occasionally offering praise or rewards.

Why does trauma bonding occur?

Trauma bonding is deeply rooted in how the brain responds to stress and attachment. During abusive episodes, the victim experiences high levels of stress, which releases cortisol, the stress hormone. When the abuser shifts back to kindness, dopamine (the feel-good hormone) is released, creating a powerful sense of relief and attachment. Over time, this pattern rewires the brain, causing the victim to associate the abuser with both pain and comfort.

Individuals who grew up in environments where love and affection were conditional or inconsistent, or deprived of emotional attachment due to neglect or other circumstances, may be more prone to trauma bonding later in life. This is often prevalent in immigrant families. Coupled with low self-esteem, people with low self-worth may feel that they do not deserve better treatment, as if abuse is their attempt to pay for past discretions or for what they believe is the reason they are being abused to begin with.

Irrelevant of how a person ended up in a situation that called for a trauma bond, no one deserves to be abused.

Healing From a Trauma Bond

Healing from a trauma bond is a gradual and challenging process, but it is possible with the right support and understanding. Both the individual caught in the trauma bond and their loved ones can take steps to begin the healing journey.

For the Person in the Trauma Bond

1. Recognize the Cycle: The first step is acknowledging that the relationship is abusive and that the bond formed is not a healthy attachment. This can be difficult, especially when emotional manipulation is involved, but becoming aware of the pattern is key.
2. Seek Professional Help: Trauma bonds are deeply rooted in emotional and psychological patterns, and working with a therapist can provide the tools needed to break the cycle. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), trauma-focused therapy, Internal Family Systems (IFS), or eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) may be helpful.
3. Build a Support Network: Reaching out to trusted friends, family members, or support groups can help combat the isolation often caused by trauma bonds. Surrounding oneself with supportive individuals can help replace the emotional dependence on the abuser with healthier, positive relationships.
4. Set Boundaries and Create Distance: Establishing clear boundaries and physically distancing from the abuser, if possible, is essential for recovery. This may involve leaving the relationship, cutting off communication, or seeking legal protection.
5. Self-Care and Rebuilding Self-Worth: Practicing self-care and rebuilding self-esteem are vital components of healing. Engaging in activities that promote self-love, confidence, and independence helps in regaining control over one’s life.

For Friends and Family Supporting Someone in a Trauma Bond

1. Provide Unconditional Support: Loved ones can play a crucial role by offering nonjudgmental support and understanding. It’s important to avoid pressuring the individual to leave the relationship before they are ready, as this can push them further into isolation. Simply being there and listening can be powerful.
2. Help Them Recognize the Pattern: Gently encouraging the person to reflect on the abusive behaviors and recognize the cycle can help them gain perspective. This should be done carefully, as trauma bonds can be deeply ingrained, and direct confrontation may lead to defensiveness.
3. Encourage Professional Help: Encourage the individual to seek therapy or counseling. Professional guidance can provide the insight and strategies necessary to break the trauma bond and heal.
4. Assist in Creating a Safe Exit Plan: If the person is ready to leave the relationship, helping them create a safe plan for exiting can make all the difference. This might include finding safe housing, financial support, or legal assistance, depending on the situation.
5. Be Patient and Non-Judgmental: Healing from a trauma bond is not a linear process, and it may take time for the individual to fully break free from the relationship. Being patient and compassionate, even if the person backslides into the relationship, is essential for their long-term healing.

Trauma bonding is a powerful emotional attachment that can keep victims tied to their abusers despite the harm they experience. It is possible to break free from trauma bonds and heal, regaining autonomy and self-worth in the process.

References

Huh, H. J., Kim, K. H., Lee, H. K., & Chae, J. H. (2017). The relationship between childhood trauma and the severity of adulthood depression and anxiety symptoms in a clinical sample: The mediating role of cognitive emotion regulation strategies. Journal of affective disorders, 213, 44–50. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2017.02.009

Saunders D. G. (1999). Feminist-cognitive-behavioural and process-psychodynamic treatments for men who batter: Interaction of abuser traits and treatment models. Violence and Victims, 11(4), 393–414. https://doi.org/10.1891/0886-6708.11.4.393

Waikamp, V., Serralta, F. B., Ramos-Lima, L. F., Zatti, C., & Freitas, L. H. M. (2021). Relationship between childhood trauma, parental bonding, and defensive styles and psychiatric symptoms in adult life. Trends in psychiatry and psychotherapy, 43(3), 225–234. https://doi.org/10.47626/2237-6089-2020-0086