Coping through Avoidance

Sophia always loved to paint, and had a small art studio filled with canvases, paints and paintbrushes. There was one unfinished painting that reminded her of her mother who passed away suddenly that Sophia could not bring herself to finish. She told herself she was too busy to paint, and she filled her days doing other things – cleaning, doom-scrolling on her phone for hours, cooking elaborate dinners. Anything but painting. Weeks turned into months, and the unfinished painting stayed unfinished because if she wanted to finish it, she would have to face the uncomfortable grief, pain, and other emotions she has avoided processing for so long.

Coping through avoidance is the act of procrastinating  feeling our emotions to avoid feeling as much pain as possible.  While it may offer short-term relief, avoidance hinders personal growth and prevents the healing of deeper emotional wounds.

What is avoidance?

At the core, avoidance is a coping mechanism in which a person consciously or unconsciously sidesteps (or avoids) uncomfortable emotions, situations, and/or experiences instead of facing the problem head-on. In other words, we find ways to distract ourselves from those emotions and push them to the side in a way to distance ourselves from people or the memories that trigger that discomfort.

As mentioned before, avoidance may provide a sense of temporary relief, but it compounds the issue over time, which leads to increased stress, emotional exhaustion, and anxiety.

Why do we avoid?

Avoidance is a defense mechanism, rooted in fear and discomfort. We just do not like feeling uncomfortable. We avoid because:

1. A desire for control: paradoxically, avoidance gives us the illusion of control. By avoiding uncomfortable situations or decisions, we convince ourselves that we are steering clear of negative outcomes, even though that is not true.
2. Feeling overwhelmed: life has a habit of throwing more at us than we feel capable of handling. When multiple stressors pile up, avoidance feels like the only way to create a sense of control.
3. Fear of failure/rejection: instead of risking failure or rejection, we avoid the potential of being hurt by not engaging at all.
4. Fear of emotional pain: avoidance becomes a way to protect ourselves from feeling too much or too many overwhelming emotions such as grief, sadness, or anger.

Signs that we are avoiding something

Avoidance can sneak into our lives in subtle ways, often masking itself as other behaviors. Here are some signs to be mindful of:

1. Procrastination: Putting off or delaying tasks or decisions is one of the most common forms of avoidance
2. Distraction with busyness: Overloading yourself with activities and to-do lists may seem productive, but it can also be a way to distract yourself from underlying issues or emotions you don’t want to face. This includes taking on multiple jobs, clients, or projects when you do not have to.
3. Emotional numbing: Sometimes we avoid by shutting down emotionally, which may look like staying detached or indifferent to things that once mattered, making it difficult to feel joy, sadness, or any deep emotion.
4. Escapism through media or substances: Spending excessive time on social media, watching TV, or using alcohol and other substances can be signs that we’re avoiding facing something uncomfortable.
5. Avoiding people or places: Steering clear of certain people, places, or even conversations can be a way of avoiding unresolved issues or the emotions they stir.
6. Perfectionism: Avoiding the possibility of failure or imperfection can lead to overcompensation through perfectionism, where nothing is ever “good enough” to be shared, completed, or attempted.

Addressing avoidance

We cannot lie to ourselves the amount of pain that we are truly in, and the longer we avoid, the bigger the pain becomes. Recognizing avoidance is the first step toward breaking free from its’ cycle.

• Using journaling or reflecting on your thoughts and behaviors can help identify when you’re avoiding something. Ask yourself: What am I afraid to feel or face? Why am I delaying this? Understanding the root of your avoidance can provide clarity and insight.
• When tasks or emotions feel overwhelming, breaking the emotions into smaller, manageable steps can make them more approachable. It’s okay to start small and work your way up.
• Instead of forcing yourself to tackle the issue all at once, ease into it. If there’s a difficult conversation you’re avoiding, start by acknowledging your feelings before jumping into the conversation itself.
• Talk to a trusted friend, therapist, or support group about your avoidance tendencies. Sometimes, having an outside perspective can help us realize patterns we don’t see on our own.
• Be gentle with yourself. It’s okay to feel fear, anxiety, or hesitation.  Give yourself permission to grow at your own pace.

Avoidance doesn’t make you weak, it shows that you are human.