Life often brings us into relationships where we feel an intense connection with someone, romantically, platonically or familial. However, we may not always tell if this is a connection that is built on a healthy foundation, or a trauma dump of negative experiences. Here is a quick conversation between Jackson and Alex who are trying to discover the difference.
Jackson: “You know, I feel really close to a few people, but sometimes I wonder – am I really friends with them because we actually are friends, or we just been through a lot of tough things together and that’s the only thing we really have in common?”
Alex: “I’ve wondered that myself about some people, but I think it comes down to something like this: how much do you talk about things beyond the hard stuff with these people, or is it all you actually talk about? Even mundane things like the weather is good, or is all you or they do just trauma dump on you?”
Jackson: “Ugh, good point. Some people feel like they’re all about venting or rehashing past pain. It feels cathartic, but we rarely talk about future dreams or what makes us happy. It’s all we do, we talk about the same thing over and over again, and it’s like, I’m over it, but they don’t seem to be. I don’t want to seem like a bad friend, but I also don’t want to talk about the same bad things over and over again. I don’t understand why they keep wanting to just repeat the same thing, it’s boring. How long can you talk about something?”
Alex: “There’s nothing wrong with repeating yourself because you’re still grieving. It’s also ok to say something like, ‘Hey, we’ve been over this for X months already. I’m sorry you are still grieving, but constantly talking about it isn’t helping us move on, and I’d like to move on. I want to stay friends, but I’d like to talk about other things, too. Maybe it’s time for you to find some professional help to process your emotions?'”
Jackson: “But doesn’t that mean I’m abandoning them?”
Alex: “Absolutely not. You defined a boundary, and you can’t move forward if you are still being forced back into a situation you don’t want to be a part in any longer. There’s nothing wrong with getting help or suggesting someone gets the help they need. Besides, going back to your question about if you actually have a genuine connection: a true connection shows support in both the good and bad times. If you only talk about and connect over the negative experiences, it may feel like you two are connected, but it is the only connection you may have, which isn’t necessarily good.”
Jackson: “So, how can I tell the difference?”
Alex: “Here are a few clues: Do you talk about positive things too? Dreams, hobbies, and what inspires you? Do you both encourage each other to heal and move forward, or does it feel like you’re circling the same pain without progress? How do you feel after spending time together? Energized and hopeful, or drained and stuck? Do you share values, interests, and goals that strengthen your bond or the only thing being strengthened is the past situation that you have in common?”
Jackson: “That makes sense. I guess it’s about balance—acknowledging the tough stuff but not letting it define the relationship.”
Alex: “Exactly. And it’s okay if some relationships are built on shared struggles. They’re valuable too, but recognizing the difference helps you decide how much energy to invest and whether it’s a connection that helps you grow – even if it is to grow in just saying you’ve had enough.”
Relationships are complex and multi-faceted. While bonding over challenges is natural and can be healing, true connection encompasses a broader range of shared experiences, emotions, and goals.
So, next time you’re with someone you care about, ask yourself: Are we growing together or are we holding each other back because of a single circumstance? If the answer is yes, you’re on the path for a genuine connection.
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