Being OK with Not Being OK

It’s ok not to be ok.

It isn’t the first time you’ve stared at the ceiling and wondered what was happening with your life. You can even remember feeling on top of the world a few months ago, but there was always this nagging feeling that you knew something was ending – a cycle, your cycle. You were waiting for it, and then it happened almost all at once: you lose your job, your relationship ends, your pet crosses the rainbow bridge, your dishes are piling up, and you can’t even bother to clean the house. It’s not messy, but washing the floor is not something you want to do right now. God help the person who tries to call you because every sound now pierces your brain and feels like nails on a chalkboard.

And you sit there, and you stare at the wall, arms out on the bed as if you were crucified because, let’s be honest here, it feels like you are. It isn’t the first time you’ve cussed out the Universe, your spirit guides, God, the angels, entropy, hell, or nothing at all. You’re so exhausted from caring that you don’t even care anymore.

It’s ok not to be ok.

That could be the whole point. Maybe the whole point was for everything to crash and burn spectacularly so you can detach yourself from who you thought you were – the mask you were hiding behind – so you can become who you want to be. Maybe it was to realize you were ok with not having a soul-sucking corporate job that did not appreciate you no matter how much you dimmed your light to fit in. Maybe it was to realize that you were pretty tired of the constant mothering or fathering you did in your previous relationship (sure, the sex may have been great, but that’s all how you two ever connected, and you wanted more). There’s no excuse or reason for your pet crossing over, that just sucks.

It’s okay not to be okay and to want more than what you have right now.  And it’s okay to lie in bed and grieve until you are ready to move forward – even if moving forward, all you can do is get out of bed. It’s ok to feel sorry for yourself and be able to do only 1/10th of what you could normally do, but you’re doing it. It’s ok to be exhausted and not give a damn, but not give a damn enough to clean one dish in the sink.

It’s ok to stare at the ceiling and decide out of spite, you are going to live just so you can outlive the f*$ers who you felt betrayed you. It’s ok to use that spite to start going to to the gym or changing your routine and start that wellness program you wanted, or go back to school. It doesn’t matter, because it’s ok to just keep moving, even if spite is propelling you to get better. Because getting better is a choice, and you can get better and feel better while still feeling like crap – because eventually, you won’t want to and can’t hold unto the crap anymore.

It’s ok to not be ok. And it’s ok to wake up, feel like crap, and force yourself out of bed. Because f*ck it, sometimes, spite that you will survive is all you have – and it will drive you. It will be the momentum you need to not wait for the end, but to create a beginning. Use it, just don’t let it turn your heart bitter.  And you will keep going, and keep moving forward until you realize the world kept turning and you kept moving with it, and you were ok. You turned out ok, and everything turned out ok.

Wake up. It’s time to get out of bed.