Why do we lose trust in ourselves?

Self-esteem and self-trust go hand-in-hand. Self-trust is the belief in your own judgement, abilities, and capacity to make sound decisions. Without self-trust, building self-esteem or sustaining it is virtually impossible, because self-esteem rests on the foundation of believing that you are capable, competent and deserving.

What does not trusting myself look like?

If you do not trust yourself, you may second-guess decisions, constantly asking for external validation on the choices you make, and doubt your abilities. This creates a vicious cycle of lack of trust in ourselves: low self-esteem leads to more self-doubt, which then erodes self-esteem further.

So why do we lose trust in ourselves?

• We make promises to ourselves that we then do not keep. (E.g.: you promise to exercise 2 or 3 times a week, and then you do not. Or, you promise yourself you will have 1 single scoop of ice cream as a treat, and then eat 2 scoops instead.) Every time you create a goal that you do not follow-through on or give up halfway, you begin to doubt your ability to achieve future goals.
• When our actions do not align with our values or goals (e.g.: procrastinating, avoiding, or giving up), we may begin to feel unreliable with ourselves
• Repeated criticism from others, especially from those we (usually) respect, such as family or friends, can make us question our worth and competence. After all, they have our best interest in mind, right?
• If you experience constant failures or continually make decisions you regret, it can make you doubt your ability to succeed or make sound choices in the future.
• As with any experience, trauma, particularly in relationships, can lead to internalized beliefs that you are incapable of making safe or wise choices. For example, if you were in an abusive relationship, you may struggle to trust your judgement when entering a new relationship.
• We compare ourselves with others, especially in areas we struggle with, as a way to validate our unworthiness.
• You may compromise your own needs and desires to make others happy (people-pleasing), such as taking on extra responsibilities at work or saying yes to social events when you are exhausted. This will leave you feeling resentful not just toward the other person, but toward yourself for neglecting your own needs.

How can I build self-esteem when I don’t trust myself?

The task of rebuilding self-esteem and self-trust is done by small, actionable, consistent steps toward building that trust again.

1. Start small – make it so small, you can’t NOT do it – and do it consistently. Make manageable goals that are realistic for you (the key being for you, as only you know what you can realistically handle.) For example, you may want to quit drinking coffee because you drink 3 or 4 cups a day. A small goal is to drink 1 less cup each week, supplementing the cup you would have drank with water instead. Or, you want to read 1 book a week, give yourself the goal of reading 1 book in 2 weeks, and read daily for 10 minutes instead of scrolling on your phone.Every time you follow through, you build evidence that you can rely on yourself, which strengthens your self-trust.
2. Reframe your thoughts by paying attention to the language you use when speaking to yourself. Are you constantly criticizing or being mean to yourself? Are you setting unrealistic expectations, or too big of goals so that you intentionally fail? Acknowledge your challenges without generalizing or catastrophizing, and speak to yourself kindly and with compassion.
3. Embrace your mistakes, because trusting yourself does not mean to expect perfection: it is about believing in your ability to learn and grow from your mistakes. If you do not believe you can grow, you will continue to stagnate and create failure or stagnation.
4. Set healthy boundaries so you do n not overextend yourself, people-please, or tolerate toxic behavior. Your ability to say no helps you regain a sense of control and trust in your ability to protect your well-being, especially in areas of your life that you feel overwhelmed, disrespected, or taken advantage of.

Keep the promises you made for yourself

Building self-esteem takes time, but each step is built on making small, consistent actions and follow-through on them. Each action is a promise to yourself that you keep or break, which helps strengthen or destroy your belief in yourself.